Life Lessons
A Man of Character
By Howie Doyle
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Howie Doyle |
When my oldest daughter’s boyfriend, Jonathan,
was nearing his graduation from high school, I was
asked by his family to write him a letter on
becoming a “man of character.”
I knew, by that point, that my eldest daughter,
Amber, would probably end up marrying Jonathan
Burroughs. They had been together for about three
years and seemed perfectly suited to each other.
Even at 18 years of age, I could see that he would,
undoubtedly, become a man of character, with or
without my counseling.
I put a lot of thought into what I should say in
the letter. He already had an upbringing that
cemented in his core good, old-fashioned virtues
(kudos to his parents Mack and Mary Lou), and it
bears mentioning that he was a good deal more
virtuous at age 18 than I was.
Jonathan has a lively intellect, and he is deeply
spiritual. He is an ardent student of history, yet
is the life of any party. He also has a profound
ability to view life with humor while treating those
things most important to him with respect and
gravitas.
To Jonathan, I wrote:
Dear Jonathan,
I have been asked to write to you on the subject
of becoming a man of character. I have found that as
you move through life your definition of “character”
changes, so I will offer a moving-picture view of
what I think it means.
Does a man of character help old ladies cross the
street? Save children from burning buildings? Rescue
a stray dog from the side of a highway? Of course –
character is most easily identified in such obvious
and extreme circumstances. However, since 99.5% of
one’s life is consumed in the prosaic acts of
day-to-day living, character is much more profoundly
(although not as obviously) defined in the little
things that fill our days.
While a man’s character can be revealed by his
words, 99.5% of character is built on deeds: the
actions we take when no one is looking, how they
build or destroy us, how they affect our loved ones,
how they affect people we don’t even know. In the
long run, words count for less than deeds.
While a man’s character can be discerned by his
image relative to those around him, 99.5% of
character is built on absolute truths and universal
principals that are independent of our place in time
and our cultural context. In the long run, image
counts for less than substance.
Character is planted in us during childhood by
our parents, grandparents, and mentors. Character is
like knowledge; the more of it we truly have, the
more profoundly we realize the areas in which we are
lacking.
When I was asked to write to you about becoming a
man of character, I put it off for quite a long
time. Writing about character would require me to
look closely – and objectively – at myself, the good
and the bad, and take stock, if this were to be a
meaningful letter.
Fortunately, in the writing I perceived one other
small insight that I will pass along to you: the
willingness to look inside and judge yourself
objectively is, in itself, a sign of character. It’s
important to not judge yourself too harshly, and
even more so not to shun introspection.
And although I have a rather secular way of
expressing these thoughts, I can sum it up by saying
character is wholly about Godly principals. Good and
evil. The Seven Deadly Sins. The Ten Commandments.
Though character is hard to define, I know it
when I see it, and I see it strongly in you. Always
remember that character is like faith. It is
something that we must nurture during our entire
lives in order for it to grow. A man can kill his
character through neglect. Properly cared for, a
man’s character will result in a rich harvest for
all of those around him.
That was in the spring of 2001. Fast forward two
years, after the World Trade Center was attacked,
George Bush was elected, and the Iraq Resolution was
passed authorizing war in Iraq. Jonathan came to me
to discuss something important. His approach was
much the same as it was when he asked for my
daughter’s hand in marriage (he still tells tales
about the grilling I gave him that day) so I knew
this was something fairly major. He told me that he
intended to enlist in the U.S. Army, as an infantry
man. He wanted to fight for our country, and felt
spiritually led to do so.
But Jonathan, I said, with your brains you could
easily become an officer, be promoted more quickly,
and be a better provider.
Yes, he said, he knew he could probably do that,
but he wanted to be on the ground, in the thick of
it. He didn’t want the easy way out. He wanted to go
where he could best fight for his beliefs, where he
could most directly act on what he knew in his gut
was right. Besides, he said, if he later became an
officer, he would be more respected by his charges,
having done anything and everything he would ask
them to do. More importantly, he would better
respect himself as a leader.
He told me he had prayed for guidance, and that
since he was marrying my daughter, felt he should
discuss it with me before enlisting.
By the end of our discussion Jonathan had my
vote.
It had only been a matter of months since the
U.S. Congress voted on the Iraq Resolution, which
was passed by affirmative votes from 69 percent of
the U.S. House and 77 percent of the U.S. Senate.
They passed the Resolution to deal with Iraq's
noncompliance with the 1991 cease fire, an alleged
program to develop weapons of mass destruction (WMDs),
alleged possession of WMDs, willingness to use and
sell WMDs, “brutal repression of its civil
population,” hostility toward the United States,
harboring members of al-Qaeda and other terrorists,
U.S. efforts to fight the 9/11 terrorists, the
Constitutional authority and Congressional approval
for the President to fight anti-U.S. terrorism, and,
referencing the Iraq Liberation Act of 1998,
reiterating that the U.S. Congress deems that it is
the policy of the United States to remove the
Hussein regime and help establish a democratic
replacement.
It wasn't a decision lightly made. It was out of
step with the “world view,” yet overwhelmingly
supported by our nation. So when I looked him in the
eye and said, “Yes, Jonathan, I think it is good
that you go and do this,” I knew as well as Congress
and the American public did that it was a big job
that may end indecisively, and that while he risked
everything, I would be sitting in the easy chair of
life, enjoying the bounty of citizenship in the
U.S.A.
The conditions that Jonathan lives in are not
hellish in the same sense as those of a
concentration camp, but if you or I went through
them, we would say, “That was hell.” He is in the
middle of a country mired in disarray and chaos,
while at home his wife struggles to start the
lawnmower and feels palpitations every time the
phone rings.
The will of his moral compass carries a good
soldier like Jonathan in the right direction. He
deserves a strong tailwind of support and
encouragement, but it amounts to nothing more than a
scant breeze that blows this way one minute, the
other way the next. Forward he rolls into the
theater of life-or-death, on the wheels of childhood
lectures about finishing what you start.
Those in the military service of this country are
there doing our dirty work. We sent them there.
Their work is not done, and it is a messier job than
any of us could have imagined, but this is not a
situation in which we have the option to go home and
take a nap. It was not a Resolution of convenience,
and it is not a war of convenience.
When I hear people say we shouldn't be there
anymore, I try to see their point of view, but I
can't. All I see is a divided nation that will slide
back into the hands of oppression, hatred, and evil.
We're committed, and we have no other option.
Appease the devil and you become the devil. Run from
evil and you give it more ground. I love Jonathan
like a son, and I told him, face to face, that he
should go.
So what now, if I said to him, “You are not
getting the job done fast enough. You’re coming out
of there next Tuesday, finished or not! It’s a
hopeless situation anyway. We have too many problems
here at home to be squandering our tax money over
there. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea,”
What if I said that to him, face-to-face? Can you
imagine the shame, the embarrassment, the utter
humiliation and lack of respect I would have for
myself? Maybe you can, maybe you can’t. The
pollsters report that at the end of March, only 36
percent opposed legislation to withdraw by March,
2008.
Jonathan, I’m here to call them out, specifically
the ones who voted to put you in the line of fire
yesterday and question our motives for it today.
They will say, “Support our troops,” out of one side
of their mouth, and out of the other they will bash
our President, our military, and anyone who dares
think we should stay and continue to fight.
It is horrible that you are there. I wish you
were stateside, with my daughter, in the comfort of
your home. Your sacrifice is beyond my life
experience. But you are there to stare down the face
of evil so I can drink my morning coffee and drive
to work in my sports car, and so I can worship my
own God, and so that I can express my opinions in
this magazine for all to see.
You are fighting for the specific reasons
enumerated in the Iraq Resolution, as unmitigated
today as on the day it was voted into law by the
U.S. Congress. You are there so we don't have to
fight them here.
So just remember this: there is nothing more I
can tell you about becoming a man of character. You
have gone so far past me in character that I can
barely see your dust. In you, and those like you, I
see hope. For you, and those like you, I have
respect. And loyalty. And I will not turn on you
tomorrow. My words will support you, from both sides
of my mouth.
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